If you came to The Ruffington Post for solid dependable dog-related advice, you’ve come to the wrong place. It’s no secret that my owner, and creator of this blog, is no expert. Our blog can definitely not promise that credible Chewy.com opinion you may be looking for. But, we can promise another opinion, the one that is most credible of all: the opinion of a Dog.
That’s right. Our blog has one thing you can’t find anywhere else. And with over 5 years of being one, this Dog knows what he’s talking about. Across these five years, It’s come to my attention that our owners may have many questions that cannot be answered by Google, Dog Blogs or even a Vet. So, I’ve decided to do the human community a favor and address some of the many mysteries of dogs. Although I can’t speak for everydog, I believe my responses may shed light on the greater dog experience.
Below are a few common questions I came across while skimming Google, reading Dog Blogs and eavesdropping on my owner’s everyday conversations, as the average dog does.
1. What does my dog do when I leave them home alone?
Ah, the age-old burning question. Humans always wonder if we’re doing something magically mind blowing while they’re out of the house. And I’m here to tell you that what we do while you’re there is exactly what we do while you’re gone. I’m not sipping Chardonnay and practicing my oil painting. The cycles is sleep, chew bone, stare out the window, lick butt, repeat.
2. Why does my dog cry when I leave the house?
These are happy tears. I can now lick my butt in peace.
3. Does my dog understand what I’m saying?
Unfortunately, yes, to some extent.
4. Are dogs self aware?
I don’t know about that. All I know is that there is a small brown creature always staring at me through the magic glass.
5. Why is my dog surprised when they fart?
Imagine a puff of air escapes the backend of your body out of NOWHERE. If you didn’t see it coming, or the slight sound accompanying it, I’m sure you’d act surprised too.
6. Do dogs have a favorite?
Yes, and if you wanna know who that is, it’s whoever talks the least and gives us the most cheese.
7. Does my dog like the music I play?
No, no, no and no.
8. Does my dog recognize my car?
Well I don’t know the year, make and model of your car but if you pull into the driveway driving it, I’ll have to assume that it is your car.
9. Does my dog know what their name is?
Yes, humans like to come up with many nicknames for us. But we can pretty much figure it out. I mean, I’ll have to assume my actual name is Lex and not squishy, bubby, stinky, smelly, doggy, puppy, or “little shit” as the neighbor calls me.
10. Why do dogs sleep so much?
It is exhausting being a dog. Someone has to bark at joggers all day and if I don’t have the energy to do it, it will never get done.
11. Why do dogs eat everything?
This is false, dogs don’t eat everything. For instance, here are a few things I always keep away from my mouth: carrots, apples, anything green, perfume, lotion, other dogs, peanut butter (why is it so sticky?), beans, bug repellent, grapes, dish detergent, flammable automobile spray, glass, sequins, jewelry, sushi, veggies burgers, Pumpkin pie, cherries, and my own poop. That’s right, I have a very sophisticated palette.
12. Does my dog know I love them?
Ah, yes, we do know you love us. And we love you humans too. Even when you play horrible music, talk a lot, make us write every week for a dog blog with 22 followers, or don’t feed us cheese. We still love you!
That’s all the advice I have for today. If you have any questions that you’re dying to ask a Dog…don’t send them to me. This was headache-inducing. Goodnight.
All in kindness,
Lex
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